Sharp Remarks: Our Top 10 Favorite Quotes by Stewie Griffin

Written by celeste

The foul-mouthed, football headed baby bent on world domination has said some pretty insightful things about life, love, sex and Star Trek. Here are our favorite moments – the wittiest and wisest of Stewie Griffin quotes.

#10: Love Thy Trophy (S2E5)

Little Asian Girl: Hey Stewie, do you want to complete our rainbow?
Stewie: Dear God, I’ve been adopted by a Benetton ad.

#9: Not All Dogs Go to Heaven (S7E11)

“Picard has it all over Kirk. He’s poised and measured and doesn’t wear a cheap rug.
Rather he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says I am in command, you are safe with me, I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy.”

#8: Ocean’s Three and a Half (S7E7)

(Upon seeing the newborn baby)
Stewie: Who is that angel!?
Brian: That’s Susy Swanson.
Stewie: You don’t say!
Brian: What like you have a shot with her?
Stewie: Are you kidding? We’ll go together better than Hannity & Colmes!

#7: The Kiss Seen Around the World (S3E8)

“Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I’m expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.”

#6: The Juice is Loose (S7E9)

“Huh. He’s a worse dad than a New York City investment banker.”

#5: Holy Crap (S2E2)

(Reading the bible)
“My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. . . . I’ll say, you won’t find that in Winnie the Pooh.”

#4: Brian Does Hollywood (S3E2)

“Easy! Massage the scalp. You’re washing a baby’s hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.”

#3: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas (S3E16)

“By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.”

#2: Fox-y Lady (S7E10)

(Hiding himself in the cardboard box from a tv set)
“Look at me! I’m an Iraq wall vent in ten years! Naw . . . we’re gonna take good care of them.”

#1: Death Has a Shadow (S1E1)

Stewie: Excellent, the mind control device is nearing completion!
Lois: Stewie, no toys at the table. (Takes mind control device.)
Stewie: Damn you vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

First on Mars Website Features and Shows

Written by DavidOnMars

Welcome to First on Mars – your personalized guide to network TV on the web!

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